Wow, has it really been this long since I’ve come back?
I know I left this space to pursue a more permanent home, but that idea was because I needed to escape from all the negative emotion I typed up on here. I was self-deprecating, I couldn’t believe certain things and more issues that a twenty-one year old could (not) handle. That “permanent space” has since been uprooted and I have taken my writing to a smaller scale audience (but you are welcome to subscribe should you wish).
But here I am at 24 and the thing I’ve learned from aging three years (not that there’s much gap, but it’s pretty significant) is that at some point, these things come to pass. The pain, the tears and the little things in between – that’s what they are. They’re just little and petty. They were real, but come to think about it, they have expired since 2014.
So why’d I come back? I’m stopping by a bit because as much as I am no longer the same person I was on here, I felt like you all needed to know that the chapter that has been wide open for this long has finally closed. Yes, you guessed it (well, I hope you did). What made 70% of this space and all these questions I had were now answered.
I remember I wrote a piece of what I visualized was the closing chapter to this book called Him, and my broken self was waiting for the night that I could finally say it all — I even told myself I would write a speech, detailing all the ways in which he broke me. I had different variations of it, but one thing I wanted out rang true: I was in pain and you caused it. But what separates our (the human) brokenness from the broken pieces of inanimate objects is that we can piece back ourselves together again. Some objects are broken forever and have to be thrown out, but with us people, we take those pieces and put them back together with a whole new perspective. Even in my tear-laden nights, when I couldn’t understand what happened, I realized that everything I felt thrust me into becoming the person I am now.
The gaping hole that caused my tears to fall every night had since shrunk, and the pain is only triggered, no longer constant. So when we finally met and filled in the pieces of those three years, repeating the past was no longer significant to me. I felt like it was more of a chore to do so on my end, because I only wanted to let him know that it was painful even if I no longer felt it at all. I think it was because we were no longer those two kids figuring out the future. He had his own path and I had my own, and when you look past the muck and murk, there were mistakes made and things said. But who doesn’t make mistakes in words and actions? Everyone does, at some point.
It’s funny how closure comes when you don’t need it anymore. I guess it’s because closure is a two-sided thing, and not one-sided. Back in 2014, I wanted closure so desperately because I needed my own questions to be answered, when in fact, I could live life without knowing why it happened. I pieced myself back together, (somehow) figured out what I wanted to do and left everything else to hard work and chance.
So, yes, to officially state it, this chapter has finally closed. I don’t need to say anything more, because all has been said and answered. Thank you. You know who you are.