I don’t know how I jumped over the edge that one time before, and gave all that I could to a dead end. Sometimes the living can hope for a life in the heart of the ones who left us. Not the ones in tombs, but the ones who choose to bury themselves alive, to hide from the sins they have yet to confess.
I wonder where that rush of adrenaline had gone, the one I had whenever I waited for him to walk with me to class. “Yeah, I can walk with you. I have time.” No one can hold time in their hands, they don’t have the power to. But they can choose to bend it for the ones they care for — is what realized. He became that very person who gave me his time to the one who begged for more of it.
(Wealth is not only measured by money, but how much you can spend on other aspects that need to be afforded as well.)
‘What if’ is the principle I basically built my life on. Even if the universe owes me nothing, I still bank on it handing in a few favors. After all, I had been nothing but kind to it except for a few tricks to bend its string of fate. I take chances on it as much as possible — not in all aspects, but with people most especially. I took steps forward and shone myself under the light instead of behind it. I could never afford to lose someone because once you did, to seek is a whole other journey I prefer not to undergo.
It’s not that I’m scared all over again, but it’s the gamble behind it. This new person is someone I’d like to bet on a little bit more, and in the process I would not like to lose. We may have a fence between us but I wouldn’t want to jump over it and find myself falling alone. I can trip over a few words, but never fall farther, deeper. I dove once and I drowned, and I wouldn’t want to lose my breath so fast again.
Never mind that I long to recall him like a story. Never mind that his voice is a song I long to find. Never mind that I wish we found ourselves on the same cobblestone steps again. It’s not good to yearn so much, to love with all your heart. Losing is normal if not forgivable, but giving all your guns up is a whole other story and I wish to hold on to that beginning rather than a terrible ever after.