A Choice to Close

It has been a few days since I unfriended him on Facebook, a decision that has gone noticed by anyone but him (noticed only because I told my friends – to which this piece of news brought them into a bit of shock). This brought about a chorus of Whys, Whats, and a whole slew of other questions begging for reasons. “Don’t you want to wait for him to apologize for being a dick?” “What if you will never get the closure now? Why did you unfriend him?” “Do you still stalk him?”

Aside from this being a documentation of a closure I can call my own, this can be a little commentary on the thin, flossy string everyone calls a friendship on Facebook. I know myself to be a person who hates unresolved business. I hate things that are left hanging (with the exception of sequels because well they serve a purpose and a promise of continuity), I hate things that are unexplained, and I hate things that aren’t finished. And I know that my relationship/friendship/usemanship (whatever) with him was something that will always be unfinished. It will always remain to be, even if we both moved past it, even if we moved forward.

It will always be unfinished until one of us has the gall to wrench the other by the arm and say, “Hey, we need to talk.” Then the reasons come spilling out, and finally my heart will stop turning in its grave. The pieces, at least, will hold stronger even if I know that the heart can never be whole again (whole in a sense that a piece of it belonged to the loved and shattered with the dead promises). But what if there will never be a confrontation? Or a long sitdown going over the issues that came to be because of what happened? It will never be, “please love me.” It will always be, “did you love me?” A measured tone laden in the simplest yet complicated question.

Facebook, in the most frank statement I could ever state, is the most insincere and laziest way of building and maintaining relationships with other people. You add a person and you don’t even have “because I know him/her” in your head any longer, but a thousand and one reasons other than that. A few examples include:

(A) “We have 7282822288282 mutual friends.” – more like “she/he will know me eventually. Even if you will have a million mutual friends, there must be a reason why you two haven’t met.

(B) “I chanced upon your profile and you look really beautiful–” WHOOP better go and WIPE OFF FACE OF EARTH delete that message and friend request right off the slate. This is not the time to be holding the byline of “There are still decent people on this earth…”

(C) “They’re convenient to keep around/I’ve known them from elementary even if we never breathed in the same environment or exchanged a word or two–” Yeah, okay, just go on checking what Mona or Mila or whatever-her-name-was doing at four in the morning in some island/city. Have that kind of gratification that in some weird and creepy way, you are connected. “Hey I’ve been to that island. No way, kindergarten-classmate-who-i-dont-even-speak-to (are u even my kindergarten classmate WHO ARE YOU???), we practically walked the same strip of land. Now I just need to know your name but we’re totes friends.”

He called it “instrumental good.” We were sitting in a cafe and he told me how he keeps his exes on Facebook still, and he calls it that. “I don’t unfriend them, but I don’t speak to them either. They’re just there.” I realized over the years that people walk away from your life. There are certain people who make an effort to stay, and there are the stupid lot who just disappear so quickly, you thought them dead. Seriously, how do you just zap yourself out of this world?

Come to think of it, it was easier to walk away when the world was sans technology. You could just stop the snail mail and hope to God you won’t bump into said ex. But why is it so, so much easier to drop a girl or guy dead with one SMS/Facebook message (Or a lack of it even)? “Sori its nt u its me” or “bye” or the most recent “SEEN” with the timestamp at the side. Or you could always have the iconic “NO MESSAGES” in your inbox. And the terrible thing is, you still have this prick dalliancing and living his life in normalcy flashing on your news feed.

It’s like you never existed, then you begin to ask yourself, “Who was he with me?” Or “who was he without me?” You subconsciously blame yourself that it’s your fault. How can you counterargue? You don’t know the real reason and you probably never will! And even with its most useful (but ineffective, at least for me) UNFOLLOW (notifications) function, you fly back to his profile and sadden yourself with all the new things he’s done that were just pure words and ideas when he was with you. What made YOU counteractive?

And those were the very reasons why I finally decided to unfriend him. It may sound like such a petty problem, but this process has given me a clearer idea of just how fake Facebook has become in terms of friendskeeping. Having him on my friends list is making it convenient for him to “keep me around” and in the process devalues my already devalued whatever-ship I had with him. He can still keep tabs while still refusing to speak to me, and WHAT FOR? What is the purpose as to why I have to keep him around? If friends come and go, make sure they stick by it. If they go, all ties are cut. Having him as a friend on Facebook gives me a false hope that I will ever be reunited with him the same way we started. I know it will never be the same way again. It no longer saddens me to have this reality in mind because going through all the pain and stupidity, rationality (finally) comes into play, asking, “What person in their right mind would keep a person that had hurt them so badly?”

Alternative question could be “Do you make a living by becoming a sadist?” And I am proud to say that I’m not a sadist (whew). I will not subject myself to keeping a string of floss I call a Facebook friendship to a guy who doesn’t value the real friendship and in turn clams up like a sissy and refuses to face the truth. If you want to come out of your itty bitty shell, come find me. It’s not that difficult to do.

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