The Perils of Unknowing

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The worst thing anyone has to go through is to unknow — to somehow unfamiliarize, to unlearn what has been remembered for a time. It’s the tearing of moments, the throwing away of memories, and the not-so blank slate that follows. And sometimes, I wish I never knew you.

I wish I could have kept to my word that separation from you would have been so much better, that living our own lives without crossing paths was a period I would have cherished. It would have spared me the pain of knowing you and having to unknow you soon after. It was good while it lasted, but we all know some endings aren’t happily made.

What good is it when your fibers spill onto every insignificant, manmade thing? Your thread tangles through the collared shirts I see in the mall, the songs that play on shuffle, and in my head — the only place where you seem to still make sense after the world said otherwise? Where I still yearn to know what made you no longer familiar to me? Is that why I still hang on to the last strings, hoping you would piece back together into the person I once knew? The person whom I thought I could be equal with?

It’s both beautiful and torrid the complications of the human person. One minute he or she is x, and somehow a minute later, she’s x plus another thing. It’s because we learn something or to be something, and sometimes the difficulty comes in keeping track. And in our struggles to keep track, we don’ t realize that we are so caught up in the hope of finding x, that he or she is x + an infinity of many other somethings. The terrible thing there is if we are no longer part of the equation, and that’s where everything goes downhill. Where do we go after we are shunned by the people we thought we knew? Where does it begin, this new uncertainty? We wonder with hesitation, as we wobble on our two feet, after we were held tightly in the arms of the other.

So, as I watch your fibers untangle themselves from the world I’m in, I still see them hanging on too, tying themselves on the veins of a heart that is so tired of unlearning, of forgetting what I wanted to remember for a lifetime. It’s not that I knew you would hold my heart in your hands forever, but I thought your significance would last, not ghost by.

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