i deserved an explanation

I had the right to be angry too, when you decided to walk away, something I thought would never happen — especially not to me.  All people have the capability to walk away, of course.  I for one should have done so the minute you shook your head no.  But you told me not to leave, so I didn’t.  I didn’t do this for me, I did this for you, one of the many choices I made in your name.  I did this because I cared for you so much, and I didn’t want you to think you were just a person who deserved to waste away.  But thinking about it now, you should have.  You should have wasted away.  The minute you struck out the first time, I should have let you waste away.

No one deserves to be treated poorly.  This truth dawned on me as you narrated a story of suffering at the start of the year.  It was a truth unrealized at the beginning, but it was a truth realized anyway.  Walls were made to divide and not always to protect.  If all worked out in the world, would we really need walls? After all, we are all human.  What did we need protecting from? I thought you needed protection and I understood that.  Everyone needs a safety haven for them to evaluate, to reflect, and to think.  But if you built up a wall so high to blockade the people who genuinely only gave pure love in the form of anything, you don’t deserve any of them.  You don’t deserve their time, their energy, and their love.

If you only knew how stupid you’ve become, that you receded instead of progressed, and yet you claim to be so high and mighty about your dumb rules, someone better get up and slap you right in the face.  You had all the chances to explain why this happened, why this all had to happen, and yet you chose not to.  You had all the chances to open up and yet you decided to close off instead because you are so afraid to let go of what happened.  Yes, I said it, you’re still so hung up over everything.

I am so tired of trying to defend you, to have you win over the people in my life, and to mope.  You’re supposed to be even stronger than most people, yet you look like Samson post-Delilah — weak in the knees, immature, and stupid.  Stop trying to feel like your life is falling apart when you have all the strength to fix it.  Stop feeling like the loser all the time.  Words are just words if you don’t listen.

Yes, I had the right to be angry too, was what I should have said.  But instead, I sold my soul in exchange for a possibility.  And still in the end, I’m not sorry for giving you everything, because I believe that I saw a sliver of the real you come out in the days where I once knew you.  I didn’t deserve your return, but the reasons why you didn’t.


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