the art of loving less

If I had a coin for every person I loved “wholly,” I’d have a million bucks.  It’s not the allusion I’m deriving at, but it’s the point.  In the months that I have spent pining over guys who wouldn’t bat an eyelash at me, see me as no one other than a friend, or never knew I existed, I carry nothing but scars, wounds from those experiences.  And a wise friend told me that while it is good to feel for others, I should spend my love wisely, like investments.  This isn’t directed at any one for a change, no boys, no nothing.  It’s just me, everything just stuffed into paragraphs.

All this time I thought it would be better to love more, to share more, to care more.  All this time I nodded my head off funny stories, inquiries, weird music recommendations, and my own inner strength to listen just so they could notice me, see me differently from the way they saw other girls.  All this time I expected something in return because I’ve always believed in the principle of Return on Investment, and while I know that love is unconditional, I’d at least want something back.  Like just something, anything.

But as much as I wish to learn the art of doing so, it’s difficult for me to decipher how I should go about this.  Should I just learn to back off, to not wonder how they’re doing? To not care about what they’re going through? I never really was someone who rationed any amount of care or concern for people I liked, or people I should like.  I don’t even know why I just give love so easily.  I just do, isn’t that simple enough to answer?

Is it the fact that I have not yet achieved requited love from someone other than my social circle, or the fact that I yearn for it? Is it the fact that I always knew how to give and not quite know how to receive? Is it the fact that maybe that requitedness is lost in the crowd too, wondering if he’d finally be found? I wish for once I could give answers instead of questions because that’s all I’ve been doing my whole life.  Asking and never getting answers back.

#ugh

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