once

This feeling has been eating away at me lately, and it has come to a point where I just want to stand on a table and scream them all out, in a desperate attempt to keep them at bay.  It is a ploy to weaken the heart that longs for you, that pines for you, and the one you will never hold in your hands.  This is a feeble attempt to try and make sense of all of this, to try to make sense about what does and does not belong to me, to understand why I should never take what isn’t mine to begin with, because you were never mine to begin with.

So i name this letter to you the way it is: no bearing, no significance, no double meaning.  All I know is that I need to say this once, so that I get the opportunity of telling the whole world again in my attempt to be brave, to stand on a platform and call out your name, whether you hear me or not.

To tell you the truth, this never started as anything.  I didn’t fall for you at first sight, I didn’t bump into you in the hallways, and, well, you’re kind of tied down.  Believe you me, this is not the situation to be caught up in, especially when it’s too late to regret why I never held you in the first place.  I will not tell you to unlove her for me, to choose me instead over her, and to break her heart to have you hold mine.  It has become clear to me that you and I can never belong.  She is the barrier, your barrier, the one you’ve decided to lock yourself into, the one you first had eyes for, and hopefully will be the only one you will have for a long time.

So if I know this parameter, what is the point of writing, of lamenting, of pining for a lost cause? What is the point of wanting someone who can never want you back, nevertheless love you in the same way possible? Well, I’ve always had a thing for hope, if that makes it clear to you.  It’s more of holding on to what I would have wanted in my heart, of what I would have wanted to have.  It’s something that can’t be helped at all.  It’s something that I have to let run its course, a pain that has to subside on its own instead of remedying it instantly.  The matters of the heart never did run smoothly, and never will it for as long as I shall live, not until I have someone who can smooth the taints of the mess I’ve made.

Instead of the usual ground zero, I start with you already built up, and I descend with each passing day slowly to the bottom where I pick up the pieces and leave you be, leave you in the place I started in, something that will never have me in the picture.  The smile you have is something I can never carve out of my memory because I’ve held you there, and everything else falls into place.  If you only had eyes for me for some moments, that I take with me instead of making moments with you, trying to make something out of nothing happen.  Remember, I’m not God.  I’m only human, and I strive for the highest end as my being, and I try to collect as much as possible to soothe my ego, to keep me going, to have me searching every nook and cranny for someone who’d rise with me, instead of pull me down.

But who can help the choked throat, the nervous laughter, and the in-betweens? No one can, not even I.  And I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry for even trying to make something happen when I know futility is in the picture.  I just try so hard to make what I imagine into reality, even if I know it will bite me back in the end.  Who can help that at all? Could you have helped it if you were in my situation, and she chose not to love you in an alternate universe? It would’ve been harder for you to imagine since you’ve found a present with her, and maybe the end.  I narrate this to you to make you feel the pain in the hopes of it subsiding as each day passes, as our moments end, and searching for you won’t be much of a need anymore.

For now, let me miss you.  Let me revel in whatever we have now.  Let me bask in your laughter, your eyes, and your smile because these will be all that I will have, in lieu of having the physical and real you.  I will only have the present with you and the past, but not the future.  That’s for someone, your someone.  And that someone cannot be me.  She fell for you first before I realized you were worth falling for, and it’s too late for that.  I missed out on what I could have had, but that’s all on me.

At some point, I will resist you, desist everything because I have gone past you.  But right now, let me miss you until it hurts because I know I can’t have you.

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