not like we used to be

I got the wind knocked out of me when I saw you outside, your back turned and unaware.  I opened my mouth to say hello but nothing came out, a first for me.  If it had been like the last time, I would have shouted your name and have the spotlight centred on me, a carefree and nonchalant attitude on my part.  But I let you pass me by instead, confused as to whether letting you go just like that was something worth regretting.  It used to matter, didn’t it? It used to matter to me.

What happened to the me who faced you with such certainty, with such bravado, with such ease? How did I make it so easy to move past boundaries, to find myself pained whenever I wasted the opportunity to sidle up to you and just bask in your presence? Lately, I have let you pass me by like I was a ghost you’d walk through, like strangers on a track.  Is it because I’m starting to realise that the highs I felt when I was with you are slowly seeping out of my system? Is it because I’m realising that although I want it, you and I could never be?

But you still hold me speechless, and I hope you’ll remember that.  Even if I bite my tongue because I find the worth not so much anymore, know that you make me run out of the right words to say.

Bravery was never easy for me.


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