I was on your Facebook profile tonight, trying to argue with myself on how pathetic this was and looking at how fast you’ve changed. We’ve all changed for that matter in one way or another, usually compulsory, and I sometimes wish I could choose when to change. I want to halt time and remain stagnant, stay in a corner and remain stagnant. But as much as I want to lock myself in the recesses of my never quiet mind, I’d have to let go at some point and it hurts more if the moment lets go first.
I remember that you were the only one of two boys who made me cry, the only one that left my heart shattered at the end of the night. But not because you were cruel or wanting to see me turn away in disgust and utter humiliation after admitting to you what I felt, in the hopes that like those bespectacled geek chics who get their OK back, that I’d get something like that too, or even better.
But you always had the kindest heart, the widest smile, and the most comforting presence. Even if I struggle to make conversation with you, I find myself just basking in the ambience and you.
Sweet, glorious, you!
I know that I always make time for you during the last months of each year, as if conversations done in a span of an hour had been continued from many months passed. Maybe it’s because we ease into such so smoothly, and you manage to hold onto things I say that don’t even make so much sense afterward.
Why do you always manage to do those? I still find myself holding onto moments we had and even if it had long been the time when my heart beat solely for you, it still frightens the hell out of me to see you moving on.
Maybe it’s because you were a convenient person to like, and you were just there. I’m not saying this because I’m taking you for granted. After all you were the one who let me down gently with leveling me back into friendship and tearing me apart at the same time with flowers at midnight, as if that could’ve remedied the situation. Up until now, I still try so hard to find the right words to say, the right moments to return to you because honestly, I could. I really could.
But somehow, someday, I know you’ll hear them because as much as I try to push you away, I still think you’re the right one for me, the one that could’ve been mine. Even if you will find it so hard to believe.