what I feel for you now roars deep in me, like the waves crashing towards shore, clamoring to find land only to be washed away again. is that how you feel all the time, once the lights are closed, once you take the bow? You return back to the root of who you were even if for one moment you had forgotten yourself to become another?
you hold the lines in your head, that smile of yours coming out in sheer rawness as you speak, the smile that made my heart sing with fervor and hope, the smile that I wish i could call mine. but what happens beyond that, when you are back to where you are, and for that one moment you and I locked eyes– a moment I could never for the life of me forget– do you forget me in the process? Do you forget who I am to you?
Not that I blame you because we were never strangers again. We were always strangers, people who seem to want to know each other but don’t know how. How is it to get to know the boy beyond the made-up hair, the striking eyes, and the story you hold? How is it to go beyond who you were for the world and know you as my own? I can never know that. I can never know that because not once did you even ask who I was, and not once did I even bother to ask for yours. It wasn’t because I despised you. I was terrified of what you would think of me, and in three days, you will become a memory, a line I used to have stuck in my head for so long and yet only lasts in my head.
never beyond, never out
I can never sing of you like the songstresses do, and I can never play the part of loving you because it would be a role too difficult to play. The fear I feel when trying to play a part is different with you and I because at the end of the day, you open your eyes once more and you become who you are again, someone who never knew who I was. I hold you so close, and yet I can’t even hold you down enough because you don’t know me.
You don’t know who I am, and I don’t know who you are. I want to know, but I don’t know how.