I write this because it seems as if the whole thing had gone out of hand. This was not supposed to happen, as I thought that the words I have imparted were some form of closure, some sort of seal that said i’m over you, i’m moving on. But if it seemed like otherwise to you, if it seemed as if I still have any sort of feeling, any drop of emotion I have for you, I still do. But very, very, platonic.
I apologise for any embarrassment I have caused on your part and I apologise for whatever misconstrued meaning is twisting inside your head right now. Please know that I have stopped for a long time and while you are someone I still consider to have changed my life in a great way, I had let you go. Most? yes. Completely? Let me explain.
The way I dropped my feelings for you was actually very difficult to do, not because I was 100% devoted to you. I wasn’t. Maybe it was a mix of infatuation and pure admiration for someone as brilliant as you and as honed in the field you’re taking up. You are no different from the others I have cared for and you are no different from those four whom I have let go long ago.
To be honest, I can never let go of the feelings completely because they stayed with me. They’re to remind me of those moments I could call ours, those moments where you cared for me greatly. Moments where you saw me cry for the first time. Moments where you laid a hand on my shoulder to say, “it’s all right. we’re getting by.”
But maybe my methods went haywire and maybe I wanted to do one last shenanigan to know that you’re almost really out of my system, and you are. I no longer find solitude with you as you are shared to a multitude of crowds. I no longer find something special to single you out because you’re just like the rest of the people I’ve connected with. You can be sure that the feelings I’m feeling right now could easily be mistaken for the continuation of what I feel for you, but that part of me is merely clinging on to the familiarity of you. Remember, the way I let you go was hurried. Too rushed for my own head to comprehend.
Don’t fear. Don’t fear because I no longer find my heart beating fast for you. It beats for no one but myself. You can be sure of that because I am kind of tired of the whole teenage romance thing. It’s not just who I am anymore.
Maybe I’ve grown too old for that stuff.