unsaid

A friend told me it’s not bad to remember, and yes, it isn’t.  But it scared me to think that I liked you all over again and I told myself, “Principles are more important than a short-lived fling of the mind.” No, this won’t work until you kick the habit.  But of course, you wouldn’t understand all this because we’ve stopped everything: stopped conversing, stopped laughing, stopped connecting.

I didn’t hate you.  We just drifted.

But when I saw you today and we shared a moment (not the romantic kind of course) and though it was meant for a general audience, I remembered everything.  I remembered everything.

I’m not one to forget, but when I was in the process of getting over you, I had to push all those memories at the back of my mind.  Think of it as archiving all those thoughts in a box and locking it up in the garage a la Barney Stinson.  Even if I kept those moments hidden away from most of my mind, it didn’t mean I voluntarily chose to throw them away eventually.  I am cursed to remember the hurt also, other than the moments I cherish because they were full of more joyous occasions.  Negative times negative equates to positive and I try to enrich my mind with moments like those, to keep the terrible vibes away.

You were one of those people who I know would make an effort to entertain me and never made me feel left out.  Those months of poking fun, sharing some inside jokes, or giving me advice was lost on me because I was caught up in this void of trying to push you away because I had to lose you to make myself feel better.  I tried to think of ways to get you out and I was actually happy you wouldn’t walk my way anymore.  But seeing you again brought all those memories back and talking to you after so long made me remember how great of a person you are, even if I know we wouldn’t be anyway.

You never did anything wrong. You never did.  It’s one of those moments where I’m at war with my mind.  I don’t even know why I convinced myself to push you away when in fact, you were one of those people who changed my viewpoint on things.  I daren’t name them here for fear of you knowing (how ironic) but if ever by some blessed Sherlock skills that you will be able to figure it out, know that I’ll try to reach out more, to mend the fences that have rusted.

You’re leaving soon and–and I’ve got to move forward with you instead of going the other way round.

Because you’re a person I never will forget.

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