falling in love alone

maybe it’s different when you’re with someone and you fall in love together.  You mutually bask in each other’s warmth, in each other’s care, in each other.  If you stumble and start to feel like you’re in this by yourself, he’ll take you back in his arms slowly and say, “I’m here.  We’re in this together” a la Troy Bolton from High School Musical.  Of course it wouldn’t sound that way in your head, depends on who you fantasise when he says those words.  But what about those who only wish they were with someone, what about those who are in the sidelines while they watch someone else falling in love with the one he or she loved from a distance?

What does it feel like to fall in love alone? What does it feel like to be the one giving it all while the other is simply oblivious to all the efforts? Well, I can tell you much because I’ve been stuck in this rut for years on end.  I’d have fantasies in my head, words, and moments replayed and overthought of for so long to try to decipher what he really meant.  What did he mean when he brushed his hand against mine? Did he do that on purpose or was there something there? What did he mean by those words he said? Did he really mean it or was he just playing because he knew all along that I am the poor soul who fell in love with him?

All I can tell you is that it’s no fun at all to fall in love alone.  First of all, you want to love because you escape loneliness.  But if you end up liking someone by yourself and you’re confined to this space where you end up only hearing the sound of your voice screaming, “go, make the first move!” Isn’t that still being stuck in the loneliness spectrum? Second, falling in love alone gives you a false sense of hope, a sense of pretense because again you judge everything else.  He could’ve been super extra friendly and you didn’t know that because you mistake everything for love.  You mistake everything, every little action to lead yourself to believe that he really is into you.  And you fall flat on your face in the end when you realise he only says, “yeah ’cause you’re a pretty awesome friend.”

But the saddest part about falling in love alone is you don’t end up with the other.  You end up with yourself: also known as square one, your vivid imagination, your own mind.  And you don’t realise that until you get over him and you think, “crap, I fell in love with my own head.  I fell in love with my own idea.”

And you will never know that.  No, you will never know.

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