if you were here beside me instead of in new york

The uneasiness I feel rises everyday as I see you but you don’t see me.  How is it that you can go on manipulating everyone, therefore implying that you finally know their true feelings for you? Is this the karma I get for shunning one person into blatant oblivion soon afterwards? You ignore me constantly and you barely uttered anything in my presence last night, but that’s all right.  I’m used to the pain.  Just give it all to me, will you? Just leave it all up to me to deal with it.

I had always imagined a scenario where I finally have someone like you.  What would it have been like to have you, to hold me tightly as I tell you my life story, weaving myself subtly into your existence slowly and surely? I can never imagine a future like that for us because it’s so unlikely I could hear my own self laugh in pity, in fallacious sincerity that I had gone through another infatuation but surprise, it was a joke after all!

But I can never move on from this.  Am I really doomed to love and love and not get anything back? Don’t feel at all pitiful, how dare you? I see myself trying to change you, but it’s just like always.  I try to move on and you do something so grandiose, the feeling in the end stays and does not pass.  Well, all right, I suffer for now.  I suffer at your expense.

Because that was how the world was built, but I dare not suffer and writhe under the light that you put me in to mock me.


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