christmas lights*

(An old letter to a guy I almost liked, but not quite. Take note, this is not my Christmas letter this year.)

Dear Benjamin,

The christmas trees are all aglow and the lights are flickering, and they glow different colors.  The streets are now filled with people, and noise fills the air as the crowd shifts to the holiday cheer.  Songs seep through the ears of most as the carols of old and new cascade through the city like an everflowing river of notes and tune.  Are you not as joyful as I am? That despite the end of another great year, we can all start anew again?

Isn’t it funny what a year it has been? I have no right to reflect on year-end due to the fact that it is still quite early for me to do so, and I don’t want 2011 to go away, as much as my now depressed self wants to.  The question I’ve always wanted to ask you all this time was, what happened?

What happened to us, Benjamin? Have we grown apart, realizing how awfully different and similar we are at the same time? It is quite terrible how we have never been the same since.  Sure, we’d have those moments of quick smiles, flickering eyes, and the occasional biting wit that we both seem to be good at (not that I’m hamming it up), but that’s it.  We don’t talk about anything deeper than merriment and frolic, and to tell you the truth, I’ve missed that kind of thing.  Don’t you remember? It was always us.

I remember the time when you subtly held my hand during times of trouble, and you would constantly tell me that everything will be fine.  It’s not like I needed that reassurance because I could do it myself, but I don’t know, really… I just missed our moments together.

We had a thing, people said, and in one way or another, I would have wanted to keep it that way.  It was always the two of us, sharing these inside jokes, laughing at things the others don’t understand, and we’d get along fine.  We had this connection, per se, that the others did not have nor did they know about.  You yourself do not know about it, but I did.  I felt it a bit, and it was a scary thought, a feeling I held, that you did not feel that same feeling I felt.

As I breathe in that Christmas air, I do want everything to change.  I want to usher in the new year quickly, to hear the fireworks, welcoming the year 2012.  I want to see the lights removed, the christmas trees off, and the carols to disappear. I want it to be my birthday again, your birthday too, and new events to come our way.  We’d grow older too, and a year wiser, I hope.

I’ve developed different feelings for others, feelings I can’t quite comprehend.  It’s quite understandable for me, I was always the nutty one (should I be roasting on an open fire then? Oh, all right, that was a bad Christmas joke).  I do wish you well, and I do hope for better things for the both of us, Benjamin: in that context or not.

But despite all these changes, some things always have to stay the same.  You’d still be around, as I would too.  We’d still be stuck in the same rut we’d be in, and in the same situation, same environment… the calendar’s gotten ripped but we haven’t.  I just wanted to let you know, that even if I do understand these different feelings for another (it may not be comprehended this month or in the next year’s coming), and despite the newness of everything (the changes I would go through and the changes you would go through), that there would be a thing constant.

That maybe in one way or another, we would see ourselves again despite the other factors that had colored us different.  That we could see ourselves beyond the imperfections that we are both carrying.

And that even after all this time, it had always been you.

Happy Christmas.

(taken from my old blog)*


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