how will you know?

stanchion, n.

I don’t want to be the strong one,
but I don’t want to be the weak one, either.
Why does it feel like it’s always one or the other?
When we embrace, one of us is always holding the other
a little tighter
.

“The Lover’s Dictionary, David Leviathan

What does it take to know? Really, how do you know? The moments we had were divided into mere seconds, and there was one time when you held me tight and smiled.  You snaked your arm behind me and you pulled me close, but what was it to you? Did it mean something to you as it did to me? You always had that beautiful smile on your face and you never fail to make my throat lock.  You make me stutter.  Why do you always have to win?

Yes, I wish you knew.  I wish you knew the answer to my dilemma.  I wish I could tell you that I feel something more for you, than what I have allowed myself to feel.  You were supposed to mean nothing to me.  You weren’t supposed to be a person that I felt something for at all, other than the fact that you make me happy.  But why have these feelings grown? I fear to say it because I could always look back and take it in all over again.  I could have my shields up, but no matter how I try, you always try to break through the walls and steal me away.

But you only see me as someone you could high-five with, someone not so important to you.  In fairness, I don’t judge.  I never asked you anyway.  But you feel more for someone else, and maybe the embraces we shared: you looked over my shoulder and right at her.  But she wasn’t around, was she? If I could call you mine for a day, would you allow it? Would you allow the minute pleasures of euphoria, of joy, of pain to sink in just for a while until you leave me again?

I still stick to my old ways.  I would never allow you to penetrate through this hard shell I’ve locked myself in.  It’s not that I hate you.  It’s for my own good.  It’s for the times when I deserve to shield myself from false, one-sided love.

Why do I give so much when I know you’re not the One?

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