Lately, I haven’t been able to sleep. It’s a constant battle, tossing and turning, forcing shut eyes to finally give in, but it’s to no avail. My mind is active and I am alone in the darkness. Is it the constant terror of the weeks to come? The intimidation of everyone around me? Those are problematic things. And there goes my anxiety. The next thing I know, I wake up in the morning (more like being tapped on the shoulder by Mama) and my eyes are weary, like I’ve stayed awake the whole night. But what do I do in my dreams that leaves me exhausted?
The excitement of this week is enormous. I have so many things to do, so many things to accomplish, and sometimes I want to just cave in and say, “You know what. They have people for this, and we are not those people.” I give up before I even try, and that’s something I have to learn to change. It’s difficult enough that I toss and turn, but what more if I give up? Weren’t those troubled sleeps ironically hard work?
I have never felt this tired in weeks, nor have I ever had trouble sleeping unless I knew something coming up was a major failure. But I don’t remember anything fail-worthy yet (oh, Stat, please have mercy) and I don’t want to think about it either.
I always want to get up and turn the laptop on and write. My mind has so many ideas that I forget in the morning but I don’t have the energy to because I ruin it in the end anyway. I could actually make a movie out of everything I think of, and mind you, those are short films I don’t remember anymore after that. But I’m currently under a writing dry spell and ergo, I have no inspiration for anything. My novel’s unedited (in fairness, I start editing in August) and my entries aren’t really that quality as of now.
I don’t even know where this is going but I just want to take this all down because I don’t want to keep these ideas floating in my head. The poem One Art said, “The art of losing isn’t hard to master.” You basically have to write them down and you forget them all together. But why does that work the opposite, wherein I remember vividly instead of forgetting?