“My pride will be my tragic downfall,” I told my friend back in senior year. She shrugged the comment and shook her head no, saying, “I doubt it. You will make big things.” At least by that time I knew what I was or what my personality is. I may please people but it comes with a price. I walk with my head held high, the words from Kanye West entering through my system as I stride in confidence, letting the world know that I am the best. My friend told me I was obsessed with power.
I always knew that about myself that it was always great to be the greatest. From grade school, I had kept that in me. I always had to be in the center of attention and first place was it for me or bust, really. I always loved it when people told me, “Aw, you’re the best at this” or “you’re so smart. How?” or “You are such a great writer.” I try to affirm them humbly, but innately, I am smug and smirking. I can’t help it. Sometimes, words or people fuel my innate sense to dominate or to control, whether explicitly or implicitly.
My personality was always held into question as to why I have always been out to impress other people, so that in the end they would put me on a pedestal and say that they too were impressed by me.
But sometimes, this thirst for power is a problem too huge for me to solve. The trend of the guys I liked over the years are of the following qualities:
- They must be older than I am.
- They must be able to present themselves in a way that equates, “get out of the way. I’m the best in this room.”
- They can pull off suits and white / black polos really, really well.
- They have a position (eg: top gun roles).
And the list sometimes goes on and on, and in the end I ironically put them on a pedestal too. My submitting to those guys was a terrible phase for me, as I always loved to try to be like them and in the end everything goes awry due to this huge amount of giving (?) to them. My “love life” is not the only thing in question though. The way I present myself has to be a hundred percent perfect:
- I cannot make mistakes.
- I have to best the other people in the room, whether in oral exams or written. (But this one is forgivable, as I cannot overpower those who really are better than I am)
- If people point out flaws like my currently weird bangs, I flinch and I change the subject.
- I take every criticism to heart. (Yes, I care about what you guys say about me)
- When things become stressful and difficult, I tend to mentally cave in and just throw everything in the air.
- When I make grammar errors, I point them out and mentally scold myself.
- I am anxious about everything. (Even during recitation, I subtly shake or my heart starts racing when I raise my hand or I am called to answer)
But despite my addiction to everything powerful, it’s something I still have to keep. It’s a very “Love The Way You Lie” relationship I have with my ego because it can be my best friend and my enemy. It’s difficult not admitting when I’m wrong, but I have to realize that at times I can never be perfect. I’m not a god. And it was great how my friend pointed that out to me. At least another person acknowledges that I am that way, and while it’s hard to deal with, it’s the only time where you can feel empowered. It shelters me from so many harmful things and unrequited love, because at the end of the day, I still see myself: my proud, girlish self raising my fist in unison to “Stronger.”