melt my heart to stone

 I was very different from who I was back then.  Well, of course we all change personality one way or another.  I have friends who were extreme introverts back in high school and they’re very extroverted now (or maybe I just browse upon their photos on Facebook). But this entry isn’t about wild antics, it’s about the douchebags I liked.

My first crush happened in fifth grade.  It was the whole romantic spiel: we met on a cruise and I thought he was pretty amazing.  He was thirteen, I was twelve.  Who knew saying the word ass could sound so cool? I was floored when he spoke because I liked the way his voice sounded and the way he carried himself.  Ever since then, I try to find people who had his standard (and no, I’m not into thirteen-year old boys, thank you). I started liking a couple of less-than-appealing people after I told the first that I liked him.  No, I told him I loved him.  Yeah, I was an I-love-you slut (HIMYM reference!), or maybe because it never meant that much to me because hello, I was twelve.

In the span of my high school years, I liked about three more guys.  The second one was the most decent but maybe because they shared the same name or because he was most like Ted Mosby.  The third one was a stupid mistake and to this day, my family can never, ever stop talking about him which is pretty annoying but well, we all have to live with the choices (albeit wrong) we make.  The last guy I liked was interesting because maybe it was a summer thing but I stopped all communication with him after that.  I didn’t like the way he presented himself.  I told all my crushes (except the last one) that I liked them and well, I’m single so you know the answer.

And well, after that, I kind of grew up.  I stopped liking and my heart kind of hardened.  I think one of my crushes tried to communicate with me again and I kind of shut him off because I don’t want to remember the decisions I made when I was in high school.  They were childish and immature.  I’ve only ever conversed with the second one because he reminds me a bit of Ted Mosby (I said it but again, it’s just a bit) but it stopped too.

Maybe I was hardened by the fact that the guys I’ve liked are dismissive and distant, and some too clingy which I am a hundred percent not into.  I was a bit clingy back then and maybe the attitudes of these guys I adapted on quickly.  Yes, I am different now.  Ask anyone.  I’m not into any at all.

I just have the casual happy crushes because well, who doesn’t have them? And I just channel all my romantic feelings on my television shows (characters, most specifically) and that’s it.  I don’t think of anything else anymore because I don’t want to go through the teenage angst again (but now that I think about it, I once believed in teenage love, and now I constantly scold myself for being so petty and silly).  It was painful because mainly, I had this grand idea of love and Jesus, I was fifteen / sixteen? What was I thinking?

So fast forward to now, the fourth one still tries to talk but eh, sorry.  It’s not that I’m being mean.  I’ve been scarred and I’m ironically terrified that I won’t be hit with that infatuation bug ever but well I have to wait.  But for now, say hello to me, the stonehearted.


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