autumn in new york

Under this bumptious facade of smile-congratulating friends who are traveling abroad to study, my heart sinks into despair as I realize I’m going to be stuck in school while they’re away to gay Paris or la-la Germany.  It hurt that I couldn’t get the same thing as my friends did because I was always one who loved to travel, and more so staying in a city where my dreams could happen.  I never knew the purpose of going to study abroad and it was all empty claim that I wanted to fly there just so I could.  I could, really.  But when I traveled to New York this summer, I couldn’t help thinking that this was my city.  This was where I belonged.  The culture vultures, staring at NBC all day long, and walking in Central Park to have a sandwich or read a book… just typing this all down makes me feel terrible.  The fall would have been wonderful, and five months in the city I have loved for so long would have been a dream come true.

Every time I feel the slightest bit of jealousy, I always envision nutty Liz Lemon (played by the effervescent queen of comedy Tina Fey whom I still bow down to these days other than God and my laptop) and her conversation with flower guy and perfect boy Floyd deBarber (played by the cute and hilarious Jason Sudeikis):

Liz: I can’t go to Cleveland.
Floyd: Hi.
Liz: Hi.  I’m sorry.  I’ve been thinking about this.  And I think you’re great.  And obviously Cleveland is great.  But I can’t move.
Floyd: I know.
Liz: My life is here.  My friends are here.  The show is here.  And I’ve known you a month.  Oh, you hate me right now, don’t you?
Floyd: No. No. It was a crazy idea to begin with.  We were on a vacation high–
Liz: Exactly.  It’s like a drug.

But obviously, Cleveland for me is New York and London.  And judging from my previous posts, I wouldn’t be moving for any guy anytime soon.  This is about me.  And looking about my friends’ frazzled yet excited posts on their Walls (‘omg can’t wait to go to __________! Gonna see some concerts and study and be international etc) gets me steamed because I could have gotten that.  I have faced a series of regrets, and this is the last one.  I visit the NYU Fall Sem site every day and I wish I could have taken the opportunity to bask in the city I love.  Of course, this whole Cleveland thing is so different.  But I could have empathized with Liz more on this.  New York is home to her, and mind you, it’s hard to leave home.

And my saying that staying there for long will ruin visions of beautiful cities and over-the-top people who greet and talk like they’ve had three hundred cups of coffee.  Of course all cities are imperfect.  There are bad nuts everywhere.  On vacation, you just avoid them.

Aye, I will soon have this Autumn in New York fantasy like everyone else.  I may not have it right now but I will soon (and other than that, Harry Connick Jr. is a great singer okay).  But yes, I will soon.  I just have to push for it this time because at least this vision isn’t empty anymore.

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